Monday, February 5, 2007

Get your shine on

Sucker duck Martin Peretz decides to get mocky on Beezy's hairstyle. Apparently, the New Republic style guide has no truck with figurative language, because mayne elects to parse the compound adjective "blow-dried" literally:

I come to John Kerry's defense. Senator Joe Biden, in announcing his candidacy for the Democratic presidential nomination, was so patronizing of Barack Obama and insulting to other black politicians that maybe he thought he had to be just plain nasty to rest of the contenders, real and imagined. He called Kerry and Al Gore "blow-dried" politicians. Let me start with Gore. The first time I discussed his hair volume with him was 1988, the first time he ran for the party's nod. I suggested Rogaine, later Propecia, subtle blow drying. I was and am an expert of these subterfuges. They're how I take care of the visual consequences of aging. Let me just say that Al doesn't use any of the miracle products, and he's got enough hair and enough hair in the right places not to use blow-dryer. Honest.

Let us concede: Beezy's kinda thin on top. And Lil John does, in fact, rock rough and stuff with the Afro puffs. But let us not judge a man by his baldness; Beezy is from an august lineage:

Above: Guru, a.k.a Baldhead Slick

Above: Onyx. Ack like you know.

Above: The non plus ultra of fly says, "Martin Peretz don't want no parts of me."

Do the knowledge

While rumors of the death of Beezy's presidential campaign have been greatly exaggerated, JBITO has never flinched in the face of world-historical truth: Shit looks grim for Jump-Off. Peep.

There are three words any member of the American political landscape fears to hear; sadly, in this instance, we must commence to speaking the raspy shit. Those three words are: tied with Kucinich. Though Beezy has infinity more popularity than the actually apeshit Gravel (who inexplicably pronounces his name to rhyme with "caravelle," not like the tiny rocks. Step your phoneme game up, god), he is getting shit-beat by all the marquee contenders. And the fact that the DNC's own Trick Daddy got out-thugged by motherfucking Bill Richardson at this Saturday's wildly anticlimactic DNC winter meeting does not bode well for the future. Beezy: you are appearing at shit Chris Dodd won't show up for, and you got sonned by a goddamn southwest governor whose theme song is "Lean on Me."

I command you to start getting money, dun. Those black flags on the sunset? They're tied to the roof of John Edwards' fly-ass campaign whip.

Saturday, February 3, 2007

Joe Biden not thugged out this weekend, so we brought in a substitute

Tom Vilsack at the DNC winter meeting: "I'm tired of policies governed by fear."

Wednesday, January 31, 2007

Get retarded

Just as JBITO jumped back into the cipher, Beezy has elected to get grimy on the mic, as documented here and herr and every other goddamn place. (Word to Dub Mose for the rundown.)

The obvious point here is to reiterate the central maxim of the JBITO editorial charter: No one here is trying to argue that Joe Biden Is the Best, or that Joe Biden Is the Leading Light of Early 21st-Century American Political Discourse. We are simply trying to argue this: Joe Biden Is Thugged Out. And despite its obviously repugnant character, "chronic racial grandpaism" (big up, Josh Marshall) is, in the most morally neutral sense, totally thugged out. And, though props go out to the raw-dog Cleanth Brookses of the Internet, this is not some comma bullshit.

Further, this whole episode has given a moment's pause to the JBITO management because, on the real, the fascists are some heavy dudes. To pull back the velvet curtain of authorial distance for a moment, we shall acknowledge the following: Joe Biden Is Thugged Out is, after all, a blog that self-consciously utilizes the expansive and glorious vernacular of a subculture rooted in the traditions and aesthetics of the American minority underclass to talk about big money politics. (We will also mention the following, in the interests of full disclosure: JBITO's editorial staff is, well, white. And of semiprivileged background. And rural/exurban in origin. And works in the culture industry at a place with "creative directors." And is, at the time of this writing, wearing a blazer.) So, you know, mea culpa.

Our point, if we have one, is this: Joe Biden's comments are crazy ill in the worst way possible. Joe Biden says dumb shit on the regular, but this is above and beyond in several regards. But Joe Biden is a major American political figure with crazy foreign-policy intellect who likes to say insane things on the regular. So this press remains open.

Kingdom come

Blog redux, son! Even if the press is focused on the supergroup of Sens. Clinton (Fox Brown), Edwards (Cormega or AZ or was Nature in this shit for a while?) and Obama (Nasty Nas Escobar), you know that Sen. Biddy Bone is ready to get all the way live. The break's over:

Sen. Joseph Biden of Delaware on Wednesday joined the crowded field of Democratic contenders angling to win the 2008 White House race, arguing his foreign policy experience put him a step ahead.

"I'm not exploring, I'm in and this is the beginning of a marathon," Biden told ABC's "Good Morning America."

Astute Biden jockers will note, of course, that this announcement is motherfucking small beer, as Joe Biden's presidential candidacy goes on and on until the break of dawn (or, at least, since summer of aught-five). This campaign is like war between Eastasia and Eurasia: it has always been and always shall be. Because, like Ason Unique says, "We gotta keep it fly for ya. See this ain't somethin new that's just gonna come out of nowhere. No! This is somethin old and DIRTY! And DIRTY!"

Motherfuckers stand up!

(Peace out to Junior Birdman of the day TF, who has a blog JBITO doesn't know about.)
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